Open letter to my teenage self
Dear Teenage Katherine, Well, you are now 26. You have accomplished some great things thus far. Associates in Business Administration, you are a Certified Event Planner, soon to be living on your own, starting to build your own business, and back in school again. Not saying it’s been all good, but you know with the good comes the bad. You have been in some good and some not so good relationships. You were engaged to be married like you always dreamed, but let’s just say Thank God, not just for you but you and him. You’re in college again after the endless struggle to get out the first time, but look we made it (lol). Well you didn’t get to live on campus like you always wanted but you did live in FL working for Disney so that still worked out. Still going to see about the pledging. I would go into what’s going with the Family now, but hey let’s talk about you today.
Katherine, we still have some unresolved issues actually. You never allowed yourself to live. You were so caught up in pleasing others, you forgot to just be you. Now I am always trying to please people and it's draining me and I am tired of proving myself to people. You never let that hurt go, you never forgave those people, nor did you forgive yourself. You let it build up and hold you back. You held yourself back because of what people said about you. You never realized people were hurting themselves so they thought hurting you would make them feel better. You never let it go. You wrote in your journal every day, and reading them now you were in so much pain no one really ever knew. You covered it all with a smile, if only you have the friends back then that you have now. You wanted to be loved so bad, you made some crazy decisions and hurt someone really important to you.
Remember you wanted to be a singer/musician/poet? That was your very FIRST dream. Well, it never happened, and now I still think heavily about it. I know you were shy, but now it seems I am so shy that I can barely perform at an open mic. You joined choirs in school and that was nice but you hid your gift amongst the other gifts. You wanted to be a bad female drummer and acoustic guitar player. Why did you listen to those other people? Who knows what you could have been doing now, even if you weren’t famous to the world you could have been famous somewhere.
Why did you believe those crazy ugly comments? Why couldn’t you just ignore them and believe that beauty lived in you and flourished on the outside? Now I’m still trying to figure out if it’s true sometimes. I know it’s hard, people tell me every day I am beautiful and I love when they tell me, but when they stop…… I am trying to believe myself but you never really believed you. That time you told yourself you would lose weight for you, why you lie? You lost it for them, so that would be one less thing to talk about, and so boys would talk to you, but now I am struggling to keep it off for them, you never stopped trying to look good for them and now I am trying to refocus for me.
Katherine I know it was hard dealing with that bad news. You hated yourself for it and never forgave yourself. I know that things happen for a reason, but now I act like it doesn’t even exist. I don’t talk about it nor do I even confront it. You never really wanted to accept it, so now I am also doing the same. I know it’s not the right thing but hey emotionally it just seems like the right thing.
I am really writing this to tell you, I love you Katherine Nicole Owens. You were beautiful, caring, loving, smart, and I wouldn’t have wanted to change anything about you. Yea you had some ruff years but you overcome. Remember that time you thought those pills would take it all away? I am glad you didn’t erase me. You are a trouper. No not everyone knew every detail but God did. Your story of not living was beneficial for me to live now. All those tears you cried, all those stories you wrote all those journals you made, they were not in vein. I know it was hard for you, but now, you are free. I am working on things now and that’s fine but I forgive you, I love you and now I can forgive and move on. I know it was hard to let it all go, but now I am slowly letting it all go for you and for me. I am not saying I am fully set free from the things you delt with but trust me I a working toward being free from the fear, and bondage that built up. I love you Kat and I'm doing this finally for us!
Adult Katherine <3